Communication is a vital foundation stone in any relationship, and especially so in a love relationship. Effective communication is a two-way street that has a number of components. It requires an ability to verbalise our thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening way and a willingness to listen in a way that lets others know they’ve been heard and understood. It requires an openness to others’ experiences, an ability to acknowledge their opinions whether we share them or not, a tolerance for differences and, last but not least, the courage to deal with conflict. Let's take a look at these components:
Careful listening
We listen carefully when we focus all our attention, both physically and emotionally, on the speaker whether this be our partner our children or anyone else. It means that we don’t glance over the top of our newspaper (or worse, continue reading it) whilst listening. It means that we don’t fidget, turn our back, interrupt assuming that we’ve heard all of the message after hearing only the first two words. It also means that we don't leap into problem solving as soon as we think we’ve got the gist of the message or that we pretend we’re listening when we aren’t etc.
Understanding
We understand - and the speaker will feel understood - when he or she knows that we’ve not only heard the words they’ve spoken, but also 'get' the gist of what they are aiming to express. Thus hearing and understanding often are two different things. If we listen carefully we may hear the actual words that were spoken. Unless we listen with our heart, however, we won’t necessarily have understood the true meaning of what's being said. Listening with the heart means tuning in to the essence of the communication.
Checking back
This is a process by which we rephrase what we've heard the speaker say, assigning to his or her words the meaning we make of their communication and then asking something along the lines of: "Have I got that right?", "Did I understand that correctly?", "Is this what you mean?" This not only tells the speaker that you've really been paying attention to them but also gives him or her an opportunity to correct, clarify or expand on what they've been trying to convey thus significantly reducing the potential for misunderstandings.
Acknowledging
We acknowledge the speaker’s message by letting it be whatever it is. Whether we like it, dislike it, agree with it or perhaps consider it utter gobbledigook, acknowledging it for what it is creates the only respectful foundation from which to voice our own opinion. Especially when we don't like what we hear, think that WE know better or are invested in trying to change the other person's mind, we are in danger of failing this aspect of communication. It's important to remember that everyone has a right to their opinion. Opinions are just THAT, they are not facts, they are not cast in concrete and once acknowledged they are far more likely to be open for discussion.
Dealing With Conflict
Dealing with conflict rarely is on anyone's list of 'favourite things to do'. In fact, most people avoid it like the plague, which unfortunately often causes more conflict in the long run. Conflict is a normal part of relationship and simply attests to the fact that people are created differently, that where there is more than one person there are two separate sets of thought processes, two lots of feelings, two ways of viewing something. It may also mean that there are different values, beliefs and perceptions. So what? Provided we are sufficiently mature to know that WE do not always KNOW BEST, that the other also has a right to his or her opinion and we have a willingness to look for compromise, conflict no longer needs to be the monster that's too scary to touch.
For more info on how to effectively deal with conflict, click here To read an article on how to turn conflict into opportunity, click here To check out how you can transform communication sins into communication wins, click here ...and in closing, here is some useful advice on effective listening (by Ray Houghton, M.D. - Teen Times, Nov/Dec 1979)
A Poem About Listening
Please, just listen. When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk, or do... just hear.
Advice is cheap: twenty-five cents will get you both dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper, and I can do that myself.
I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can, and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept, as a simple fact, that I do feel no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
And, when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them. Please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.
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